Happy Thanksgiving

It's amazing what a difference a year makes.  At this time last year, we'd just performed our FET and were barely-barely-barely pregnant with Miss Alice.  We'd just passed Maddie's due date (November 14), and were trying to reconcile the two.  Today, our wonderful little family is at home, snuggled together in love and happiness.

I know this sounds weird, but it's days like today that I'm so glad that we had Maddie cremated.  She is with us today, she's a part of our holiday.  As I do every day, I can look at her and talk to her, cry over her.  I can hold her close to me, and feel her weight.  I am so grateful for that, and for her touching our lives still every single day.

Well, that's certainly a cheerful thought...  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  I hope that your holidays are filled with family and love, remembrance and hope.

Our Angel

So, I bought some angel wings for Alice on Etsy.  I had originally planned using them at her 1-year portraits, but then realized they'd be great for Christmas cards.  I tried taking the photos on my own, but that didn't go so well.  Since there was such a time crunch, I walked into a local studio... Follow the link below for the results.

Please try and tell me this isn't the cutest baby on Earth.  :)

http://www.myonlineportraits.com/ViewSharedAlbum.aspx?ShareID=e0fbf15b-7778-491d-9ab4-f8680db591e9

Happy 4-month birthday yesterday, baby girl!

All of this fuss over some crying

I made the mistake of joking on Facebook a week or so ago that A was being a butthole at bedtime. Apparently, that comment opened the floodgates for everyone and their dog to give me advice on how to get her to sleep better. The most common thing that I’ve heard is “just let her cry it out,” “she’ll eventually cry it out.”


I don’t judge anyone who uses the CIO method; it has worked for hundreds of thousands of households, but it will not be used in ours. I have a lot of different reasons behind this.

First of all, what is “it” that she’s crying out? As far as I can tell, “it” is her trust that we’ll be there for her when she needs us. I really don’t want her crying that in particular out. We went to the most drastic methods possible to even get pregnant with her, and incredibly drastic methods to stay pregnant, so I’m certainly not going to just decide to change now. If I had wanted convenience, I wouldn’t have had a child.

So, I hear different responses. “Oh, that’s right, you do Attachment Parenting.” [Insert eye roll or similar here.] Yes, I do, but this actually doesn’t have to do with being AP (although there is little besides spanking that is more opposed to this style of parenting). “Oh, you’re just overcompensating for losing Maddie.” While losing Maddie certainly strengthened my resolve, I was against CIO for our household before then.

If I want to put this in simplest terms, look at our beliefs in how humanity was formed. If you’re Christian – I find it hard to believe that Jesus would ever leave a baby unattended to sob him or herself to sleep. If you believe in evolution – our species certainly wouldn’t have progressed very far if a small child were left in another room of a cave to cry, alerting all predators to its whereabouts. Cortisol levels in the brain raise when a child is left to cry, which can lead to long-term damage. None of these things lead me to believe that CIO is right for my child.

In the end, it’s just not up for discussion. My husband and I are on the same page, and I have informed my daycare provider and everyone else who may take care of her long-term of my desires. That’s kind of the end of the story. I appreciate and understand that sometimes people are trying to help, but the ones who are judging me… they can suck it. :-)

Perspectives

I try to be a positive person, but I'm also a worrier... which makes for an interesting mix.  However, so much of life is just in perspective.

I could absolutely focus on the negative things in my past.  My biological dad revealed himself to be abusive and addicted to drugs after he married my mom.  He was later in a fire, and sustained some serious brain damage as part of it (he is in a group program now).  I had cancer twice (once as a child, and once at age 22), and eating issues after each bout (not the greatest combination with radiation).  My mother and I are estranged.  I had severe fertility issues, which led to us needing IVF to conceive... at which time the unthinkable happened, and I lost my precious baby girl.  I could let these things and others define me, and could wallow in them.

However, I know that there are many, many others who have had much harder lives than I have.  God gave me an amazing husband who loves me.  I have a wonderful home, and am always safe and fed.  My stepfather is one of the most supportive people on Earth.  I have a job at which I am very good, I have friends who mean the world to me.  I have the most amazing, beautiful daughter on Earth sleeping in my arms, and another waiting for me in Heaven.  I have love and hope.  Not too shabby, hunh? 

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today, this happened:

A beautiful little Alice embryo was implanted!  She burrowed in nice and tight, and changed our lives for forever.

Happy thaw-and-transfer day, Allie Kat!

Ew

My company VP just walked in on me pumping. Awesome.

That is all.

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You know that kid with the drool? That is my daughter. She loves blowing raspberries - see shirt above.

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Alice was lying in my arms just now sleeping. As I watched her beautiful face, I began to cry harder and harder. I am so overwhelmed by my love for her, and so deeply missing Maddie. I have been blessed beyond measure with both of my girls - but the injustice of losing Maddie hit me fresh. I asked myself "why" with the same vehemence that I did in the early days - it isn't fair to JTD or I, certainly, but it isn't fair to her. She deserved to laugh, to cry, to love.

I miss you, Maddie. I hope you can feel how very loved you are always. I am so, so sorry.

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Almost 3 months old

Our little Alice Katherine (also known as "Allie Kat") turns 3 months old this coming Wednesday!  My friend who runs Photography 139 took her photos today, and they're amazing.  I don't have any ability or talent to retouch them, but here's a couple of the raw photos:

And here's a video of Alice snoring from last night:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I am just remembering my beautiful little Madeleine today, as well as my wee one from so long ago.  Also remembering the beautiful little babies of all of the beautiful women I've met online.  Love to all.

Parenting Style

Cheryl posted today about her parenting philosophy, and I really liked the idea.  Hence, I'm stealing it (sorry, Cheryl!).

I am a huge fan of Attachment Parenting, because it is just a natural extension of how I parent already.  All of it makes sense to me.  However, I don't just do something "because Dr. Sears said so." 

I breastfeed, but I breastfeed how I can due to anatomy (mine and hers).  I nurse Alice for as long as I can, then pump while JTD gives her whatever I pumped at the last feeding.  There's a necessity every once in a while to supplement with formula, but that equates to maybe 4 oz. of formula per week.  Maybe.

We co-sleep, and I'm proud of it.  First of all, if you do it safely, it reduces the risk of SIDS (link).  Secondly, it has totally changed the way Alice sleeps.  She was getting up every 45 minutes or so for the first 5 weeks of her life.  I started co-sleeping with her, and she can now go 4 - 7 hours at a time.  She's amazing, and I love the closeness, since I don't get to be at home with her during the day.

I unfortunately have to work, even though I wish I could stay at home.  We only have to take her to 12 hours of daycare each week - I work 7 - 4 on Monday - Friday, and JTD works 2 p.m. - 10 p.m. Monday - Thursday, has Friday off, and works Saturday morning.  We don't get to see each other much, but it is best for her.  We rarely go anywhere without her, so that means our social lives have changed greatly.
 
I respect others' choice to do so, but I refuse to let A "cry it out" in any form.  I can't imagine being able to do so - my heart aches and I start crying, too, when I can't help her to stop crying.  I want her every moment to be joyful, and want her to trust me.  We do everything on-demand, and just let her tell us her needs.

We are vaccinating on schedule, and we also use disposable diapers. I wish we had the time or stomach to use cloth, but we don't.



We baby-wear when possible.  I had a Hotsling, but it never really worked that well for us.  I got a Beco Butterfly (much like an Ergo, but even higher rated) - I love it, and so does she.

Love

I love when Alice smiles at me with complete, reckless, gummy abandon.

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Pityriasis Rosea

So, I have a fairly long history of having weird, often rare medical stuff happen to me.

I was only the 16th child ever to have my type of cancer - not very many adults get it, but it's incredibly rare in children.

Very few people do IVF, but less than 1% of those who do get severe OHSS.  I got it bad enough that I had to be drained, and our fresh transfer had to be postponed.  Less than 1% of the population has cervical incompetence, and even fewer of those lose their babies.

I have an allergy to morphine, and have a really rare reaction where I get little red pinprick dots all over my body.

Due to my fairly weird history, I didn't think a whole lot when I developed a couple of red spots on my stomach and chest last week.  Fast forward a few days, and my torso looks like this (don't mock, I just had a baby - I'm not going to look great):

The chest is even worse, and it was now spreading to my back.  The odd thing was that it didn't really itch besides when I got out of the shower.  Since it was getting progressively worse, however, I decided to finally cowboy up and go to the doctor.

I have a condition called pityriasis rosea.  The good news is that it's not contagious (which is good, since Alice and JTD haven't caught it), and that I don't need any medicine to treat it (which is great, since I don't want to pump-and-dump anything).  The bad news about it working itself out of my system on its own is that it hangs around for 6 - 8 weeks.  So, I'm going to look like a leper for about another two months.  I guess that kills wearing a strapless dress to the ball we're planning to attend in November...

General Crankiness

I find that, since going back to work and getting so much less time to spend with Alice, that I'm a lot more surly. I don't like it, and it's not pretty - I'm usually "that really nice girl," but I keep finding myself being impatient.  I'm usually pretty good about not saying what I'm thinking out loud, but I sure have a lot less time for people's crap now:


- To the family member who keeps making not-so-kind comments about our loss of Maddie: First of all, I didn't "loose" my baby. It's "lose," one o. She's not a knot that needs tightened - I guess my cervix was too "loose," but that's really not the point. More importantly, and why I'm actually upset, it's Madeleine, and her nickname is Maddie. We chose the traditional French spelling of Madeleine because JTD has French roots in his heritage, and we thought that this spelling of the nickname looked less like she was angry than "Maddy." If I have written her name and spelled it correctly in the same e-mail chain, please at least take the time to read and copy/paste when you type it. Or, if you're reading this blog and want to comment, please at least take the time to read the spellings I have ALL OVER THE PAGE. If you want to make jabs at me, that's fine, but don't disrespect my daughter.

- To the guy friend who keeps complaining every fifteen seconds about his 7-week old not sleeping: I get it. Not sleeping sucks. First of all, if you're going to ask for advice, you should probably pretend to take it, rather than arguing with everyone who tries to help... or just don't ask. Secondly, the updates EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (usually multiple times) via Facebook are getting old. You know how I know that you're making them at 3 a.m.? Because I'm also up. Big deal, we have babies, that's what they do.  We're blessed to be changing blown-out, poopy diapers instead of sleeping, because these babies are miracles.  Suck it up.

- I am breastfeeding how I am going to be able to bf.  This means largely pumping, due to issues that don't get Alice enough food if we just nurse.  I am comfortable with this - so you either can be, or not tell me about it.

These are just a couple of the rants that go on in my head at all times - I feel awful that I've got so many of them, but I just hate being away from her so much.

Our Birth Story

I guess I've neglected posting Alice's birth story, so I probably can do it today, on her two-month birthday.  By the way - 2-mo vaccines suck, I cried almost as much as she did.  But baby girl was 11 lb 3 oz (60th percentile), 22.5 inches long (60th percentile), and head circumference was 16.5 inches (95th percentile - atta girl).

On the morning of July 20, 2010, we got up around 3:30 a.m. and to the hospital by about 4:45 a.m.  I was the first and only C-section of the day, scheduled for 7:30.  We got there and they started prepping me - the nurse who checked me in was the nurse who helped deliver Maddie.  We got me changed, the catheter placed (we had some problems with that throughout the entire time it was in place), and they shaved me (I wasn't super-pleased that they hadn't told me this needed to be done ahead of time, as I would have done it myself).  I was in the OR by 7:20.

I had to go in the OR by myself to receive the spinal - JTD had Maddie in his scrubs' pocket, and could watch through the window.  I had just had one for my cerclage, so I wasn't nervous - but I started shaking at the thought that our little girl would be arriving within moments.  JTD and my fantastic OB came in, as well as his nurse and two other nurses (one of whom was also my nurse with Maddie - this was a recurring theme throughout the stay).  They put me on the table that was shaped like a cross - I had the IV on one arm, and the one nearest JTD was free.  They started the anesthesia - JTD, who works in IT in the hospital, had to help the anesthesiologist with his computer while we were waiting.  My OB, who has a wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor, started talking about a documentary he'd seen recently about corn.  (This didn't take me much by surprised, my anesthesiologist during my cerclage talked about venison.)  Since I knew that I'd start freaking out if I didn't participate, I talked with him.  I looked over at JTD from time to time... he didn't seem to be doing well.  He admitted later that he was about ready to pass out, and had no clue how I was nonchalantly discussing corn.  We each had our ways of preparing for the arrival!

The doctor asked if I was ready, and JTD saw them pulling her out of me.  Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, so she was very purple - they got that off of her, and gave her a couple of seconds, and then she started crying and pinking up.  I wasn't supposed to touch her, but I got a quick little feel in before she and JTD went to the nursery. 

They went about sewing me up - at one point I asked if they could see more endometriosis.  He said he could only see a tiny bit, but then looked at the underside of my ovaries and said that there was something there.  I explained that my RE had done ovarian drilling, so that was what that was.  They got me into recovery, and I waited for Alice and JTD to arrive.  He rolled her in, and my heart melted to see the two of them.  We got to nurse right away, but her temp went a little low, so they had to take her back to the NICU to put her under warmers.  The nurse who cared for us post-op was the nurse who cried with me when she had to take Maddie from me for the last time - this same nurse (along with another who treated us that time, as well as a third) fought several times over the course of my stay to care for us.  They all remembered our girl, and were so happy for our new arrival.

My C-section recovery really wasn't bad at all.  Considering she arrived with a 15-inch head, I think I likely would have gone to a C-section even without the cerclage in place.  Not much pain except when I overdid it!  Maybe it was just helped by seeing my beautiful little girl.

Going back to work

Tomorrow is Alice's 8-week birthday.  Unfortunately, that also means that it's the day I return to work.  I have spent all day crying and panicking, rotating between trying to think how I can stay at home (I just can't), and how I can get more time with her.

We really have an amazing situation - my husband works from 2 - 10 p.m. on Monday-Thursday (Friday off, then he works 6 - 2 on Saturdays), and I used to work 8 - 5.  I adjusted my hours to 7 - 4, so we only have to have day care from 1:30 - 4:30 - JTD will take care of her in the mornings before he works, and then I will later.  One of my very best friends will be watching her, and that's a blessing.  I just can't get over the fact that it's not me, though.  I am the only one who knows every single thing about her, who knows her sounds and looks.  I just keep thinking about Maddie, and how I would have done anything to protect her, and how I couldn't - I want to do better for Alice.  It makes me realize how very broken I still am, how there are still times when I want to crawl into bed and cry for hours for my daughter who's gone, and for the things from which I won't be able to protect my second daughter.

I don't want to go back at all - anyone have any advice on how to deal with this?

My girls

It is my wish that my daughters be as close as possible, despite the circumstances.  JTD carried Maddie's urn in his pocket during my C-section, and she stayed at the hospital with us the whole time.  It warms my heart to see Alice look up to where Maddie sits when she sits in her Boppy. 

My girls

I just have to add one more cute picture:

She sure does...

Milestones

Tiny milestones!

201 - Number of blog posts
5 - Number of years JTD and I will have been married on Friday
6 weeks 2 days - Number of days old my baby girl is
Millions - Number of smiles she's given me today (she's SO happy!)
9 lbs. 14 oz. - Size Alice was yesterday when weighed.

Let's see... what else.

- I've been researching Attachment Parenting a ton.  It is a philosophy to which I naturally subscribe, so it works great - I also have a couple of friends who are subscribers, so it's been great to get insight.  I could never let my poor baby "cry it out" - I think my heart would break.  :(  I understand those who do, I just can't.

- I went to a Breastfeeding Fair at the hospital where JTD works yesterday.  I will try and get a picture of Alice in her "I Love Breastmilk" onesie they gave out sometime soon and post it.

- I have ordered a Beco Butterfly 2 carrier, and can't wait for it to get here.  I have a Hotsling, but it just doesn't work the greatest.  I have technical difficulties with the Moby wrap a friend loaned me, apparently, as well.

- Try and resist this face.  I dare you.  (Poor quality of picture from the camera phone, but she's still relentlessly adorable.)

Is it wrong that I compare other babies to her, and just think she is the loveliest thing on Earth?

Random Mommy Observations

- I didn't know that little girls could pee in a direction, and I am convinced that "pooping for distance" is a sport at which she would excel. That reminds me, I need to get the bedroom curtains dry-cleaned.


- Sometimes, particularly in the middle of the night, I become convinced that the breast pump is talking to me. The fast cycle before letdown usually says "Krabby Patty," while the slower cycle mixes it up. "Rat meat" gets said a lot, as does "manatee." Today it was being racist, so I am too ashamed to share it.

- I secretly love that she wants me more than anyone else. Not even so secret - I just love it.

- I am ferociously protective of A. I require full hand sanitization before anyone touches her, and refuse to let some people near her at all (particularly a guy at work).  I am really nervous to take her to daycare, because I don't want other kids touching her. 

- I love her so much, but was unprepared for how much more I miss Maddie even than before.  I knew this wouldn't make Maddie passing away okay, but I am grateful to a friend for warning me that this would be incredibly hard.

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support on my last post about breastfeeding!

After I posted, we went to the lactation consultant.  Basically, I got a ton of milk in initially (which was great) - so much that Alice never really needed to suckle at the sinuses to get some, so they started shutting down to slow down production.  When she needed to start doing that, my sinuses are too deep for her - she has a high palate and a short tongue, which makes nursing tough for her until her mouth grows (it's also why we have horrible latch problems sometimes).  So, right now we're continuing with pumping and trying to nurse when possible.  I've been able to almost entirely cover her feeding with expressed milk, only using the formula about once or twice a day to supplement an extra ounce or so.  I'm doing the Reg.lan again, pumping super-often, and we're trying to get her nursing whenever possible.  At the advice of a friend, I ordered some Fenu.greek, and will be trying that to also boost supply.  I want to be able to get back to nursing whenever possible, and pumping to evacuate the supply, but we'll see how it goes.

My little girl is just amazing.  She's so sweet and cute.  She doesn't have a great schedule yet (wants to eat every 2 hours), but we're working on it.  I can't begrudge this little face.