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On our bedroom dresser, we have an entire area dedicated just to Maddie. It has her picture and urn, all of the flower petals we were given for her, a statue, and several other things. It's a wonderfully special area, and it is a blessing for me to look at it each night as I'm going to sleep.
Alice and I often play upstairs on the bed when she wakes up. Ever since she was a newborn, I will always find her staring at Maddie's urn, gazing intently at it. My girls are fraternal twins, conceived from the same in-vitro cycle but transferred during two different frozen embryo transfers. This is a tiny thing, but it lets me know that my girls have a close bond that transcends even an earthly divide.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
6-month photos
She technically turns 7 months this coming Sunday, so I probably should have posted these a while ago. Regardless, my friend Chris took Alice's 6-month photos (he also did her amazing 3-month photos!).
Here are some of the raw files - I just love them!
You may notice a few things:
1. Alice only smiled in the last photo. This is because I took her to get her photos taken while she was tired. Lesson learned.
2. Like in her Christmas card photos (LINK), you may notice my daughter's nipples. Apparently I am comfortable posting them on the internet. This may get weird around the time she's 8 or so.
Here are some of the raw files - I just love them!
You may notice a few things:
1. Alice only smiled in the last photo. This is because I took her to get her photos taken while she was tired. Lesson learned.
2. Like in her Christmas card photos (LINK), you may notice my daughter's nipples. Apparently I am comfortable posting them on the internet. This may get weird around the time she's 8 or so.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Judgment
Judgment. We're all guilty of it about some things, but don't really think about it until we're the victims of it.
You see it even in the infertility and loss communities, in the mama communities. Those of us who have babies after our struggles with horrible infertility receive comments about how grateful we should be from those who haven't been blessed yet - thus diminishing our own struggles, trying to make us feel like we're no longer "in the pack." Same thing with those who have lost their babies and haven't yet had another - most baby-loss mamas are not judgmental, but there are times when the despair and jealousy can creep up inside of you, and you lash out.
"Regular" mamas receive this, too. Take the breastfeeding wars, for example. I was personally able to battle through incredible hardships with BFing, and am still going strong with no end in sight. Not everyone is that lucky - there are people who don't make milk, who don't have the resources to make it work. Of course it makes me a tiny bit sad when someone doesn't try, but that's not my place to judge - they have their own reasons, none of which I'm privy to. On the flip side, a woman receives judgment if she goes "too long" (as if there is such a thing). I plan on BFing as Alice's main source of nutrition until a year, and then beyond that as she wants (although I will likely have to either stop or pump-and-dump when we do the next FET, as Lup.ron isn't compatible with BFing).
Why do I bring this up? I was made to feel pretty awful this last weekend. A group of women who do "gentle parenting" made a large number of catty comments about anyone who has had anything other than a home/natural childbirth. This obviously is a very personal subject to me. First of all, I was never a great candidate for home birth - as we found during both of my cancer surgeries, and then again when I had Maddie, my blood pressure dips incredibly low when I lose much blood. It's not safe for me to be at home when this happens. Then, when we got pregnant with Alice, I chose the Shirodkar cerclage because it had better statistical results - since there is a permanent metal ribbon in my cervix, that is not a valid exit strategy for the baby, thereby necessitating a C-section. Their comments made me feel bad both about losing my baby, and for doing what I needed to do to make sure that Alice was safe - kind of hypocritical for a group that is about "respect," but I digress.
When it comes down to it, I shouldn't have even had to explain to anyone that my C-section was medically necessary. I have friends who opted to be induced (or even had elective C-sections) for personal or medical reasons. That does not make them less of a respectful mother - in fact, it brings the baby into the world at a time when the mother is the most prepared to welcome them in a peaceful and happy manner. That fosters a close relationship with the baby. I totally agree that natural is an ideal environment for those who are lucky enough to have that option, but there is NO authority on attachment parenting that requires it.
Enough about my personal diatribe - my point, now that I've eventually gotten there, is that it's just unfair and not right to try and judge someone without knowing their situation. And, as it's impossible to ever know all of another's situation... again, it's not right to judge them. Opinions are wonderful things, and we've all got them - but as I age, I realize that all of those concrete ideals I had when I was younger are tempered, that life is rarely black and white. Life happens, and we just have to adapt with the hands we're dealt.
You see it even in the infertility and loss communities, in the mama communities. Those of us who have babies after our struggles with horrible infertility receive comments about how grateful we should be from those who haven't been blessed yet - thus diminishing our own struggles, trying to make us feel like we're no longer "in the pack." Same thing with those who have lost their babies and haven't yet had another - most baby-loss mamas are not judgmental, but there are times when the despair and jealousy can creep up inside of you, and you lash out.
"Regular" mamas receive this, too. Take the breastfeeding wars, for example. I was personally able to battle through incredible hardships with BFing, and am still going strong with no end in sight. Not everyone is that lucky - there are people who don't make milk, who don't have the resources to make it work. Of course it makes me a tiny bit sad when someone doesn't try, but that's not my place to judge - they have their own reasons, none of which I'm privy to. On the flip side, a woman receives judgment if she goes "too long" (as if there is such a thing). I plan on BFing as Alice's main source of nutrition until a year, and then beyond that as she wants (although I will likely have to either stop or pump-and-dump when we do the next FET, as Lup.ron isn't compatible with BFing).
Why do I bring this up? I was made to feel pretty awful this last weekend. A group of women who do "gentle parenting" made a large number of catty comments about anyone who has had anything other than a home/natural childbirth. This obviously is a very personal subject to me. First of all, I was never a great candidate for home birth - as we found during both of my cancer surgeries, and then again when I had Maddie, my blood pressure dips incredibly low when I lose much blood. It's not safe for me to be at home when this happens. Then, when we got pregnant with Alice, I chose the Shirodkar cerclage because it had better statistical results - since there is a permanent metal ribbon in my cervix, that is not a valid exit strategy for the baby, thereby necessitating a C-section. Their comments made me feel bad both about losing my baby, and for doing what I needed to do to make sure that Alice was safe - kind of hypocritical for a group that is about "respect," but I digress.
When it comes down to it, I shouldn't have even had to explain to anyone that my C-section was medically necessary. I have friends who opted to be induced (or even had elective C-sections) for personal or medical reasons. That does not make them less of a respectful mother - in fact, it brings the baby into the world at a time when the mother is the most prepared to welcome them in a peaceful and happy manner. That fosters a close relationship with the baby. I totally agree that natural is an ideal environment for those who are lucky enough to have that option, but there is NO authority on attachment parenting that requires it.
Enough about my personal diatribe - my point, now that I've eventually gotten there, is that it's just unfair and not right to try and judge someone without knowing their situation. And, as it's impossible to ever know all of another's situation... again, it's not right to judge them. Opinions are wonderful things, and we've all got them - but as I age, I realize that all of those concrete ideals I had when I was younger are tempered, that life is rarely black and white. Life happens, and we just have to adapt with the hands we're dealt.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Hush, Little Baby
There are so many lullabies out there, and it's almost like they're all taunting those whose babies passed away by telling your baby to not say a word, to not cry.
Regardless of that, though, I've always related the song "Hush, Little Baby" to Maddie - for a bunch of different, personal reasons. As many know, the song has a bunch of lyrics like this:
"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass."
All of the lyrics have the mother trying to make a bad situation better for her child. (Granted, she's only doing it by buying stuff, which is illogical, but that's not germane to my point.) It sometimes hits home how much I ache to do things to make this situation better for Madeleine, something that I never can do. I would do anything, give anything to make this okay, to bring her back.
Regardless of that, though, I've always related the song "Hush, Little Baby" to Maddie - for a bunch of different, personal reasons. As many know, the song has a bunch of lyrics like this:
"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass."
All of the lyrics have the mother trying to make a bad situation better for her child. (Granted, she's only doing it by buying stuff, which is illogical, but that's not germane to my point.) It sometimes hits home how much I ache to do things to make this situation better for Madeleine, something that I never can do. I would do anything, give anything to make this okay, to bring her back.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Grateful
Yesterday was my birthday. I do not mention this for recognition; I am well past the point of these being a big deal. However, I did receive the best birthday gift.
Alice's 6-mo checkup was Friday. Weight was 18 lbs (86%), height was 26.5 in (75% - ?!?), and head circumference was 18 in - off the charts. Since it was big enough to qualify as a condition called macrocephaly, they figured it was worth checking preventatively (she is developing on schedule, so it is asymptomatic).
They measured our heads to confirm genetics, and made an appt for an ultrasound for yesterday. They wanted to do an u/s because she still has a decent-sized soft spot - if they waited, it would have required a CT scan.
Well, the scan went great! Just genetics! We will keep an eye out to make sure growth levels out, but she is fine. She did NOT, however, enjoy the scan. She wanted to be moving, and let us know it! The tech also kept talking about how she had never scanned a baby with so mug hair.
As an APer, my big problem was trying to comfort her when she was so upset. I could not nurse, so I brought a bottle I had pumped. This helped for a short while, as did singing, but nothing worked great. Both JTD and I just held and comforted her to the best of our abilities, and hugged her when we could!
Alice's 6-mo checkup was Friday. Weight was 18 lbs (86%), height was 26.5 in (75% - ?!?), and head circumference was 18 in - off the charts. Since it was big enough to qualify as a condition called macrocephaly, they figured it was worth checking preventatively (she is developing on schedule, so it is asymptomatic).
They measured our heads to confirm genetics, and made an appt for an ultrasound for yesterday. They wanted to do an u/s because she still has a decent-sized soft spot - if they waited, it would have required a CT scan.
Well, the scan went great! Just genetics! We will keep an eye out to make sure growth levels out, but she is fine. She did NOT, however, enjoy the scan. She wanted to be moving, and let us know it! The tech also kept talking about how she had never scanned a baby with so mug hair.
As an APer, my big problem was trying to comfort her when she was so upset. I could not nurse, so I brought a bottle I had pumped. This helped for a short while, as did singing, but nothing worked great. Both JTD and I just held and comforted her to the best of our abilities, and hugged her when we could!
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Monday, January 17, 2011
Blah Ble Blah Blah
I probably should just leave the blog title spot blank if I can't think of anything...
Miss Alice turns 6 months on Thursday! My little girl isn't so little anymore! She's doing so well - the only thing we're a little behind on is sitting up. She can tripod like a champ, but isn't really sitting up-up yet. We can't get her to stop rolling even when we need her to, though, and she keeps making motions like she wants to crawl.
Her appointment is on Friday - at that time, we're going to start feeding solids. I think we're going to do a combination of baby-led weaning (where she gums off of foods and feeds herself) and purees. I am shocking everyone I know because I've decided that I'm going to make the baby food myself. In their defense, I can just barely make mac and cheese. I've been making all of her meals with my chest for the last six months, and know what went into each of them... I feel like I should keep it up. I am remarkably lazy after I get home from work, though, so we'll see how this goes.
I try to talk to Alice pretty constantly about Maddie, but I'm so curious how to go about that as she goes older. I really think I want to make up a little story for her, but I'm not sure how to do it.
Miss Alice turns 6 months on Thursday! My little girl isn't so little anymore! She's doing so well - the only thing we're a little behind on is sitting up. She can tripod like a champ, but isn't really sitting up-up yet. We can't get her to stop rolling even when we need her to, though, and she keeps making motions like she wants to crawl.
Her appointment is on Friday - at that time, we're going to start feeding solids. I think we're going to do a combination of baby-led weaning (where she gums off of foods and feeds herself) and purees. I am shocking everyone I know because I've decided that I'm going to make the baby food myself. In their defense, I can just barely make mac and cheese. I've been making all of her meals with my chest for the last six months, and know what went into each of them... I feel like I should keep it up. I am remarkably lazy after I get home from work, though, so we'll see how this goes.
I try to talk to Alice pretty constantly about Maddie, but I'm so curious how to go about that as she goes older. I really think I want to make up a little story for her, but I'm not sure how to do it.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Goodbye, 2010...
I joked recently that 2010 was the year spent mostly on my couch (which is true - the one-year anniversary of my cerclage and beginning of bedrest is coming up in 12 days!). It was so very much more, though. 2009 was the saddest year of my life, and 2010 was the happiest. I am so immeasurably blessed, and it just fills my heart.
I keep watching my itty bitty baby get bigger and bigger, and my heart swells. I am so proud of that smiling face, the light in her eyes when she sees her daddy or I. I never imagined being this blessed.
I also find myself still hurting. I think daily of what it would be like if Maddie were here, too, if we had both of them. I try to imagine if she'd be a chunky little cherub like Alice, or if she'd still be lithe and lean. I wonder if her hair would be dark, or if it would be blonde. I wish I could feel her holding my hand, and seeing her hug Alice. I also have so much anxiety over Alice - it isn't helped by watching a lot of SVU lately at night while A is asleep, but I am so worried about someone hurting her. I am so afraid of the things I can't control in her life - and I know it's because of the total lack of control I had with Maddie.
Argh - anyway. Here are some pictures of my beautiful girl - we don't have any New Year's Day ones, because our household all got the flu last weekend. Happiest of new year's to all of my dear friends!
I keep watching my itty bitty baby get bigger and bigger, and my heart swells. I am so proud of that smiling face, the light in her eyes when she sees her daddy or I. I never imagined being this blessed.
I also find myself still hurting. I think daily of what it would be like if Maddie were here, too, if we had both of them. I try to imagine if she'd be a chunky little cherub like Alice, or if she'd still be lithe and lean. I wonder if her hair would be dark, or if it would be blonde. I wish I could feel her holding my hand, and seeing her hug Alice. I also have so much anxiety over Alice - it isn't helped by watching a lot of SVU lately at night while A is asleep, but I am so worried about someone hurting her. I am so afraid of the things I can't control in her life - and I know it's because of the total lack of control I had with Maddie.
Argh - anyway. Here are some pictures of my beautiful girl - we don't have any New Year's Day ones, because our household all got the flu last weekend. Happiest of new year's to all of my dear friends!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
What's in a name?
I first off wanted to thank Jill from Footprints on our Hearts (LINK) for the wonderful, beautiful, absolutely perfect keychain that I was lucky enough to win for the 25 Days giveaway! You're amazing, Jill, and I am just so grateful! I got a picture of it on my keychain, but it wasn't blog-worthy in quality.
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I've been getting lots of the "Is Alice your first child?" questions lately. Every single time, my heart says, "No" - but I sometimes struggle with my answers aloud. I usually try to say, "She has an older sister in Heaven," but there are admittedly times when I just don't have the strength to get into that. It hurts to explain, and it hurts to not explain. There is truly no right answer.
It would help if there were a way we could easily identify ourselves. It's easy enough to explain my fertility issues - "I'm a PCOS-er," or "I had to do IVF" (whatever acronym they may understand). There really isn't a quick way to explain being a mother of a child who has passed on, however.
The common one we've adopted is "baby loss mamas" - but something about that one bothers me a little bit. To be precise, it's the word "loss" - I didn't misplace Maddie. It wasn't thoughtlessness or anything I could have controlled that took her away from me. I know precisely where she is at all times. It's a well-meaning term, but a little laden with blame.
Slightly better is "orphaned parents," but that one just confuses people. "So, you're a parent, but your parents died?" Not easy to explain.
Is there a better term of which I'm just not aware? When it comes down to it... does it really matter what I call myself? No matter what you call it, I still can't hold my daughter, and it hurts even if I don't have a name for the emotion.
I hope the holidays are a time of healing and love for all, and brings them closeness with those they've lost.
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I've been getting lots of the "Is Alice your first child?" questions lately. Every single time, my heart says, "No" - but I sometimes struggle with my answers aloud. I usually try to say, "She has an older sister in Heaven," but there are admittedly times when I just don't have the strength to get into that. It hurts to explain, and it hurts to not explain. There is truly no right answer.
It would help if there were a way we could easily identify ourselves. It's easy enough to explain my fertility issues - "I'm a PCOS-er," or "I had to do IVF" (whatever acronym they may understand). There really isn't a quick way to explain being a mother of a child who has passed on, however.
The common one we've adopted is "baby loss mamas" - but something about that one bothers me a little bit. To be precise, it's the word "loss" - I didn't misplace Maddie. It wasn't thoughtlessness or anything I could have controlled that took her away from me. I know precisely where she is at all times. It's a well-meaning term, but a little laden with blame.
Slightly better is "orphaned parents," but that one just confuses people. "So, you're a parent, but your parents died?" Not easy to explain.
Is there a better term of which I'm just not aware? When it comes down to it... does it really matter what I call myself? No matter what you call it, I still can't hold my daughter, and it hurts even if I don't have a name for the emotion.
I hope the holidays are a time of healing and love for all, and brings them closeness with those they've lost.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Giveaway Winner....
I first off wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on the giveaway! This meant a lot to me - I was a little worried that it wouldn't be an idea people liked.
On to the fun stuff! I used our friendly generator at random.org, and the winner is... Cheryllookingforward! Cheryl is a wonderful lady - her Baby November and Maddie would have been due around the same time.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your wonderful comments!
On to the fun stuff! I used our friendly generator at random.org, and the winner is... Cheryllookingforward! Cheryl is a wonderful lady - her Baby November and Maddie would have been due around the same time.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your wonderful comments!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
25 Days of Giveaways - Day 16
I am so grateful to Tina for letting me participate in the 25 Days of Giveaways!
After Maddie passed away two summers ago, I took a step back to reexamine everything in my life and see how I could do it better. One of the things that made me think was how my family celebrated Christmas - we all usually got each other gift cards to buy things we didn't really need, or maybe even want. While we all appreciated and loved the gifts and each other, it wasn't really what I would call productive. So, last Christmas, I proposed the idea instead of giving to a charity of our choice, and then sharing on Christmas Day to where we donated, and why. This idea was received so well that we're doing it again this year.
My donation both years has been to the March of Dimes. I know it's not a traditional giveaway, but I would like to do the same for the winner of this giveaway. Please leave your blog link and your angel baby's name in the comments below, and I will donate to March of Dimes in your baby/babies' name if you win. If you are a frequent reader/subscriber, please leave a second note reminding me of this to double your chances. Comments can be submitted until midnight Pacific time.
I will post the winner here tomorrow, and will also try to leave a comment on your blog informing you that you won.
Happy holidays!
After Maddie passed away two summers ago, I took a step back to reexamine everything in my life and see how I could do it better. One of the things that made me think was how my family celebrated Christmas - we all usually got each other gift cards to buy things we didn't really need, or maybe even want. While we all appreciated and loved the gifts and each other, it wasn't really what I would call productive. So, last Christmas, I proposed the idea instead of giving to a charity of our choice, and then sharing on Christmas Day to where we donated, and why. This idea was received so well that we're doing it again this year.
My donation both years has been to the March of Dimes. I know it's not a traditional giveaway, but I would like to do the same for the winner of this giveaway. Please leave your blog link and your angel baby's name in the comments below, and I will donate to March of Dimes in your baby/babies' name if you win. If you are a frequent reader/subscriber, please leave a second note reminding me of this to double your chances. Comments can be submitted until midnight Pacific time.
I will post the winner here tomorrow, and will also try to leave a comment on your blog informing you that you won.
Happy holidays!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Eventful
It was an eventful weekend/Monday! Here's the gist of it:
Saturday - Alice's first blizzard. Super-excited to get that milestone out of the way. We had intentions of going to see Santa in the "big" city nearby, but the roads weren't allowing for that... so we went to the local one. It was okay - Alice has been having stranger anxiety lately, and so luckily she didn't see him when we put her on his lap. She did, however, grab a handful of beard hair first thing, so she was clearly his favorite child. The picture wasn't really good enough to be scanned, so it's just going in the baby book.
We got home, and she hit a couple of major milestones! She tripod-sat for the first time unassisted (go, baby girl!), and then this started happening (forgive her sleep-sack-and-Babylegs look, and my pajama pants): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Klj-gSj1NdE
Is it weird that I am honestly more excited/proud about her doing this than I am about almost anything I've ever achieved in my whole life?
Sunday - I woke up several times through the night with some pain in my lower right abdomen. Hunh.
Monday - Pain continued, so I went to the doctor. My blood tests showed that my white blood cell counts were pretty elevated, so he got a CT scan. It came back normal, but he's still worried about the cell counts (I might still be at the beginning of appendicitis), so I go back today.
While I was at home waiting for the results, Alice started getting sick. Lots of pooping, fever, etc. Her fever finally broke at about 4:00 a.m. this morning, but we were thisclose the whole time to meeting the pediatrician's requirements to go to the ER. It was a long night, but we're doing better today!
I'm hoping that 2011 is drama-free. :)
Saturday - Alice's first blizzard. Super-excited to get that milestone out of the way. We had intentions of going to see Santa in the "big" city nearby, but the roads weren't allowing for that... so we went to the local one. It was okay - Alice has been having stranger anxiety lately, and so luckily she didn't see him when we put her on his lap. She did, however, grab a handful of beard hair first thing, so she was clearly his favorite child. The picture wasn't really good enough to be scanned, so it's just going in the baby book.
We got home, and she hit a couple of major milestones! She tripod-sat for the first time unassisted (go, baby girl!), and then this started happening (forgive her sleep-sack-and-Babylegs look, and my pajama pants): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Klj-gSj1NdE
Is it weird that I am honestly more excited/proud about her doing this than I am about almost anything I've ever achieved in my whole life?
Sunday - I woke up several times through the night with some pain in my lower right abdomen. Hunh.
Monday - Pain continued, so I went to the doctor. My blood tests showed that my white blood cell counts were pretty elevated, so he got a CT scan. It came back normal, but he's still worried about the cell counts (I might still be at the beginning of appendicitis), so I go back today.
While I was at home waiting for the results, Alice started getting sick. Lots of pooping, fever, etc. Her fever finally broke at about 4:00 a.m. this morning, but we were thisclose the whole time to meeting the pediatrician's requirements to go to the ER. It was a long night, but we're doing better today!
I'm hoping that 2011 is drama-free. :)
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Pretty, pretty, pretty
Thank you so much to Franchesca for my gorgeous new blog look! Here is a LINK to where you can purchase her services - even though I was on a waiting list, her turnaround time was so fast, and she was absolutely amazing!
She did SUCH an amazing job with incorporating Maddie's footprints into my header... and my new blog button! If you'd like to link to me, she has a button right over here somewhere:
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She did SUCH an amazing job with incorporating Maddie's footprints into my header... and my new blog button! If you'd like to link to me, she has a button right over here somewhere:
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Monday, December 06, 2010
4-month Appointment Fun
Alice's 4-month appointment went awesome. She was 24.5 inches long (37th percentile), 15 lb 8 oz (79th percentile), and had a head circumference of 17.5 inches (99th percentile!). I joked to JTD that we have the cutest Bobble.head on Earth.
She did great with the shots, though - she only cried for about ten to fifteen seconds, and was then fine. She ran a low-grade temp all weekend, but I think it's better. She giggled when the doctor was checking her hip joints, like, "What is this dude doing?"
Update on baby Isaac Liam - thank you for all of the prayers for my nephew. He's doing great - he's not eating very quickly/efficiently, but they took him off of the CPAP yesterday because he's breathing so well. He was moved to an incubator, so they can control his environment more. We went down and saw him on Saturday night after he was born, and he was grasping my finger - it's amazing how strong he is already.
She did great with the shots, though - she only cried for about ten to fifteen seconds, and was then fine. She ran a low-grade temp all weekend, but I think it's better. She giggled when the doctor was checking her hip joints, like, "What is this dude doing?"
Update on baby Isaac Liam - thank you for all of the prayers for my nephew. He's doing great - he's not eating very quickly/efficiently, but they took him off of the CPAP yesterday because he's breathing so well. He was moved to an incubator, so they can control his environment more. We went down and saw him on Saturday night after he was born, and he was grasping my finger - it's amazing how strong he is already.
Saturday, December 04, 2010
prayers, please
Please keep a very special baby in your prayers. After a totally uneventful pregnancy, my brother's wife just delivered their baby boy, Isaac, at 32 weeks. He is doing great, but could use prayers.
I guess our family can't have a normal pregnancy...
I guess our family can't have a normal pregnancy...
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Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving
It's amazing what a difference a year makes. At this time last year, we'd just performed our FET and were barely-barely-barely pregnant with Miss Alice. We'd just passed Maddie's due date (November 14), and were trying to reconcile the two. Today, our wonderful little family is at home, snuggled together in love and happiness.
I know this sounds weird, but it's days like today that I'm so glad that we had Maddie cremated. She is with us today, she's a part of our holiday. As I do every day, I can look at her and talk to her, cry over her. I can hold her close to me, and feel her weight. I am so grateful for that, and for her touching our lives still every single day.
Well, that's certainly a cheerful thought... Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope that your holidays are filled with family and love, remembrance and hope.
I know this sounds weird, but it's days like today that I'm so glad that we had Maddie cremated. She is with us today, she's a part of our holiday. As I do every day, I can look at her and talk to her, cry over her. I can hold her close to me, and feel her weight. I am so grateful for that, and for her touching our lives still every single day.
Well, that's certainly a cheerful thought... Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope that your holidays are filled with family and love, remembrance and hope.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Our Angel
So, I bought some angel wings for Alice on Etsy. I had originally planned using them at her 1-year portraits, but then realized they'd be great for Christmas cards. I tried taking the photos on my own, but that didn't go so well. Since there was such a time crunch, I walked into a local studio... Follow the link below for the results.
Please try and tell me this isn't the cutest baby on Earth. :)
http://www.myonlineportraits.com/ViewSharedAlbum.aspx?ShareID=e0fbf15b-7778-491d-9ab4-f8680db591e9
Happy 4-month birthday yesterday, baby girl!
Please try and tell me this isn't the cutest baby on Earth. :)
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Happy 4-month birthday yesterday, baby girl!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
All of this fuss over some crying
I made the mistake of joking on Facebook a week or so ago that A was being a butthole at bedtime. Apparently, that comment opened the floodgates for everyone and their dog to give me advice on how to get her to sleep better. The most common thing that I’ve heard is “just let her cry it out,” “she’ll eventually cry it out.”
I don’t judge anyone who uses the CIO method; it has worked for hundreds of thousands of households, but it will not be used in ours. I have a lot of different reasons behind this.
First of all, what is “it” that she’s crying out? As far as I can tell, “it” is her trust that we’ll be there for her when she needs us. I really don’t want her crying that in particular out. We went to the most drastic methods possible to even get pregnant with her, and incredibly drastic methods to stay pregnant, so I’m certainly not going to just decide to change now. If I had wanted convenience, I wouldn’t have had a child.
So, I hear different responses. “Oh, that’s right, you do Attachment Parenting.” [Insert eye roll or similar here.] Yes, I do, but this actually doesn’t have to do with being AP (although there is little besides spanking that is more opposed to this style of parenting). “Oh, you’re just overcompensating for losing Maddie.” While losing Maddie certainly strengthened my resolve, I was against CIO for our household before then.
If I want to put this in simplest terms, look at our beliefs in how humanity was formed. If you’re Christian – I find it hard to believe that Jesus would ever leave a baby unattended to sob him or herself to sleep. If you believe in evolution – our species certainly wouldn’t have progressed very far if a small child were left in another room of a cave to cry, alerting all predators to its whereabouts. Cortisol levels in the brain raise when a child is left to cry, which can lead to long-term damage. None of these things lead me to believe that CIO is right for my child.
In the end, it’s just not up for discussion. My husband and I are on the same page, and I have informed my daycare provider and everyone else who may take care of her long-term of my desires. That’s kind of the end of the story. I appreciate and understand that sometimes people are trying to help, but the ones who are judging me… they can suck it. :-)
I don’t judge anyone who uses the CIO method; it has worked for hundreds of thousands of households, but it will not be used in ours. I have a lot of different reasons behind this.
First of all, what is “it” that she’s crying out? As far as I can tell, “it” is her trust that we’ll be there for her when she needs us. I really don’t want her crying that in particular out. We went to the most drastic methods possible to even get pregnant with her, and incredibly drastic methods to stay pregnant, so I’m certainly not going to just decide to change now. If I had wanted convenience, I wouldn’t have had a child.
So, I hear different responses. “Oh, that’s right, you do Attachment Parenting.” [Insert eye roll or similar here.] Yes, I do, but this actually doesn’t have to do with being AP (although there is little besides spanking that is more opposed to this style of parenting). “Oh, you’re just overcompensating for losing Maddie.” While losing Maddie certainly strengthened my resolve, I was against CIO for our household before then.
If I want to put this in simplest terms, look at our beliefs in how humanity was formed. If you’re Christian – I find it hard to believe that Jesus would ever leave a baby unattended to sob him or herself to sleep. If you believe in evolution – our species certainly wouldn’t have progressed very far if a small child were left in another room of a cave to cry, alerting all predators to its whereabouts. Cortisol levels in the brain raise when a child is left to cry, which can lead to long-term damage. None of these things lead me to believe that CIO is right for my child.
In the end, it’s just not up for discussion. My husband and I are on the same page, and I have informed my daycare provider and everyone else who may take care of her long-term of my desires. That’s kind of the end of the story. I appreciate and understand that sometimes people are trying to help, but the ones who are judging me… they can suck it. :-)
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Perspectives
I try to be a positive person, but I'm also a worrier... which makes for an interesting mix. However, so much of life is just in perspective.
I could absolutely focus on the negative things in my past. My biological dad revealed himself to be abusive and addicted to drugs after he married my mom. He was later in a fire, and sustained some serious brain damage as part of it (he is in a group program now). I had cancer twice (once as a child, and once at age 22), and eating issues after each bout (not the greatest combination with radiation). My mother and I are estranged. I had severe fertility issues, which led to us needing IVF to conceive... at which time the unthinkable happened, and I lost my precious baby girl. I could let these things and others define me, and could wallow in them.
However, I know that there are many, many others who have had much harder lives than I have. God gave me an amazing husband who loves me. I have a wonderful home, and am always safe and fed. My stepfather is one of the most supportive people on Earth. I have a job at which I am very good, I have friends who mean the world to me. I have the most amazing, beautiful daughter on Earth sleeping in my arms, and another waiting for me in Heaven. I have love and hope. Not too shabby, hunh?
I could absolutely focus on the negative things in my past. My biological dad revealed himself to be abusive and addicted to drugs after he married my mom. He was later in a fire, and sustained some serious brain damage as part of it (he is in a group program now). I had cancer twice (once as a child, and once at age 22), and eating issues after each bout (not the greatest combination with radiation). My mother and I are estranged. I had severe fertility issues, which led to us needing IVF to conceive... at which time the unthinkable happened, and I lost my precious baby girl. I could let these things and others define me, and could wallow in them.
However, I know that there are many, many others who have had much harder lives than I have. God gave me an amazing husband who loves me. I have a wonderful home, and am always safe and fed. My stepfather is one of the most supportive people on Earth. I have a job at which I am very good, I have friends who mean the world to me. I have the most amazing, beautiful daughter on Earth sleeping in my arms, and another waiting for me in Heaven. I have love and hope. Not too shabby, hunh?
Friday, November 05, 2010
One Year Ago Today...
One year ago today, this happened:
A beautiful little Alice embryo was implanted! She burrowed in nice and tight, and changed our lives for forever.
Happy thaw-and-transfer day, Allie Kat!
A beautiful little Alice embryo was implanted! She burrowed in nice and tight, and changed our lives for forever.
Happy thaw-and-transfer day, Allie Kat!
Monday, November 01, 2010
Ew
My company VP just walked in on me pumping. Awesome.
That is all.
That is all.
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