What's in a name?

I first off wanted to thank Jill from Footprints on our Hearts (LINK) for the wonderful, beautiful, absolutely perfect keychain that I was lucky enough to win for the 25 Days giveaway!  You're amazing, Jill, and I am just so grateful!  I got a picture of it on my keychain, but it wasn't blog-worthy in quality.

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I've been getting lots of the "Is Alice your first child?" questions lately.  Every single time, my heart says, "No" - but I sometimes struggle with my answers aloud.  I usually try to say, "She has an older sister in Heaven," but there are admittedly times when I just don't have the strength to get into that.  It hurts to explain, and it hurts to not explain.  There is truly no right answer.

It would help if there were a way we could easily identify ourselves.  It's easy enough to explain my fertility issues - "I'm a PCOS-er," or "I had to do IVF" (whatever acronym they may understand).  There really isn't a quick way to explain being a mother of a child who has passed on, however.

The common one we've adopted is "baby loss mamas" - but something about that one bothers me a little bit.  To be precise, it's the word "loss" - I didn't misplace Maddie.  It wasn't thoughtlessness or anything I could have controlled that took her away from me.  I know precisely where she is at all times.  It's a well-meaning term, but a little laden with blame.

Slightly better is "orphaned parents," but that one just confuses people.  "So, you're a parent, but your parents died?"  Not easy to explain.

Is there a better term of which I'm just not aware?  When it comes down to it... does it really matter what I call myself?  No matter what you call it, I still can't hold my daughter, and it hurts even if I don't have a name for the emotion.

I hope the holidays are a time of healing and love for all, and brings them closeness with those they've lost.

Giveaway Winner....

I first off wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on the giveaway!  This meant a lot to me - I was a little worried that it wouldn't be an idea people liked.

On to the fun stuff!  I used our friendly generator at random.org, and the winner is...  Cheryllookingforward!  Cheryl is a wonderful lady - her Baby November and Maddie would have been due around the same time. 

Thank you so much, everyone, for your wonderful comments!

25 Days of Giveaways - Day 16

I am so grateful to Tina for letting me participate in the 25 Days of Giveaways!

After Maddie passed away two summers ago, I took a step back to reexamine everything in my life and see how I could do it better.  One of the things that made me think was how my family celebrated Christmas - we all usually got each other gift cards to buy things we didn't really need, or maybe even want.  While we all appreciated and loved the gifts and each other, it wasn't really what I would call productive.  So, last Christmas, I proposed the idea instead of giving to a charity of our choice, and then sharing on Christmas Day to where we donated, and why.  This idea was received so well that we're doing it again this year.

My donation both years has been to the March of Dimes.  I know it's not a traditional giveaway, but I would like to do the same for the winner of this giveaway.  Please leave your blog link and your angel baby's name in the comments below, and I will donate to March of Dimes in your baby/babies' name if you win.  If you are a frequent reader/subscriber, please leave a second note reminding me of this to double your chances.  Comments can be submitted until midnight Pacific time.

I will post the winner here tomorrow, and will also try to leave a comment on your blog informing you that you won.

Happy holidays!

Eventful

It was an eventful weekend/Monday!  Here's the gist of it:

Saturday - Alice's first blizzard.  Super-excited to get that milestone out of the way.  We had intentions of going to see Santa in the "big" city nearby, but the roads weren't allowing for that... so we went to the local one.  It was okay - Alice has been having stranger anxiety lately, and so luckily she didn't see him when we put her on his lap.  She did, however, grab a handful of beard hair first thing, so she was clearly his favorite child.  The picture wasn't really good enough to be scanned, so it's just going in the baby book.

We got home, and she hit a couple of major milestones!  She tripod-sat for the first time unassisted (go, baby girl!), and then this started happening (forgive her sleep-sack-and-Babylegs look, and my pajama pants):  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Klj-gSj1NdE

Is it weird that I am honestly more excited/proud about her doing this than I am about almost anything I've ever achieved in my whole life?

Sunday - I woke up several times through the night with some pain in my lower right abdomen.  Hunh.

Monday - Pain continued, so I went to the doctor.  My blood tests showed that my white blood cell counts were pretty elevated, so he got a CT scan.  It came back normal, but he's still worried about the cell counts (I might still be at the beginning of appendicitis), so I go back today.

While I was at home waiting for the results, Alice started getting sick.  Lots of pooping, fever, etc.  Her fever finally broke at about 4:00 a.m. this morning, but we were thisclose the whole time to meeting the pediatrician's requirements to go to the ER.  It was a long night, but we're doing better today!

I'm hoping that 2011 is drama-free.  :)

Pretty, pretty, pretty

Thank you so much to Franchesca for my gorgeous new blog look!  Here is a LINK to where you can purchase her services - even though I was on a waiting list, her turnaround time was so fast, and she was absolutely amazing!

She did SUCH an amazing job with incorporating Maddie's footprints into my header... and my new blog button!  If you'd like to link to me, she has a button right over here somewhere:

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4-month Appointment Fun

Alice's 4-month appointment went awesome.  She was 24.5 inches long (37th percentile), 15 lb 8 oz (79th percentile), and had a head circumference of 17.5 inches (99th percentile!).  I joked to JTD that we have the cutest Bobble.head on Earth.

She did great with the shots, though - she only cried for about ten to fifteen seconds, and was then fine.  She ran a low-grade temp all weekend, but I think it's better.  She giggled when the doctor was checking her hip joints, like, "What is this dude doing?"

Update on baby Isaac Liam - thank you for all of the prayers for my nephew.  He's doing great - he's not eating very quickly/efficiently, but they took him off of the CPAP yesterday because he's breathing so well.  He was moved to an incubator, so they can control his environment more.  We went down and saw him on Saturday night after he was born, and he was grasping my finger - it's amazing how strong he is already.

prayers, please

Please keep a very special baby in your prayers. After a totally uneventful pregnancy, my brother's wife just delivered their baby boy, Isaac, at 32 weeks. He is doing great, but could use prayers.

I guess our family can't have a normal pregnancy...

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Happy Thanksgiving

It's amazing what a difference a year makes.  At this time last year, we'd just performed our FET and were barely-barely-barely pregnant with Miss Alice.  We'd just passed Maddie's due date (November 14), and were trying to reconcile the two.  Today, our wonderful little family is at home, snuggled together in love and happiness.

I know this sounds weird, but it's days like today that I'm so glad that we had Maddie cremated.  She is with us today, she's a part of our holiday.  As I do every day, I can look at her and talk to her, cry over her.  I can hold her close to me, and feel her weight.  I am so grateful for that, and for her touching our lives still every single day.

Well, that's certainly a cheerful thought...  Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  I hope that your holidays are filled with family and love, remembrance and hope.

Our Angel

So, I bought some angel wings for Alice on Etsy.  I had originally planned using them at her 1-year portraits, but then realized they'd be great for Christmas cards.  I tried taking the photos on my own, but that didn't go so well.  Since there was such a time crunch, I walked into a local studio... Follow the link below for the results.

Please try and tell me this isn't the cutest baby on Earth.  :)

http://www.myonlineportraits.com/ViewSharedAlbum.aspx?ShareID=e0fbf15b-7778-491d-9ab4-f8680db591e9

Happy 4-month birthday yesterday, baby girl!

All of this fuss over some crying

I made the mistake of joking on Facebook a week or so ago that A was being a butthole at bedtime. Apparently, that comment opened the floodgates for everyone and their dog to give me advice on how to get her to sleep better. The most common thing that I’ve heard is “just let her cry it out,” “she’ll eventually cry it out.”


I don’t judge anyone who uses the CIO method; it has worked for hundreds of thousands of households, but it will not be used in ours. I have a lot of different reasons behind this.

First of all, what is “it” that she’s crying out? As far as I can tell, “it” is her trust that we’ll be there for her when she needs us. I really don’t want her crying that in particular out. We went to the most drastic methods possible to even get pregnant with her, and incredibly drastic methods to stay pregnant, so I’m certainly not going to just decide to change now. If I had wanted convenience, I wouldn’t have had a child.

So, I hear different responses. “Oh, that’s right, you do Attachment Parenting.” [Insert eye roll or similar here.] Yes, I do, but this actually doesn’t have to do with being AP (although there is little besides spanking that is more opposed to this style of parenting). “Oh, you’re just overcompensating for losing Maddie.” While losing Maddie certainly strengthened my resolve, I was against CIO for our household before then.

If I want to put this in simplest terms, look at our beliefs in how humanity was formed. If you’re Christian – I find it hard to believe that Jesus would ever leave a baby unattended to sob him or herself to sleep. If you believe in evolution – our species certainly wouldn’t have progressed very far if a small child were left in another room of a cave to cry, alerting all predators to its whereabouts. Cortisol levels in the brain raise when a child is left to cry, which can lead to long-term damage. None of these things lead me to believe that CIO is right for my child.

In the end, it’s just not up for discussion. My husband and I are on the same page, and I have informed my daycare provider and everyone else who may take care of her long-term of my desires. That’s kind of the end of the story. I appreciate and understand that sometimes people are trying to help, but the ones who are judging me… they can suck it. :-)

Perspectives

I try to be a positive person, but I'm also a worrier... which makes for an interesting mix.  However, so much of life is just in perspective.

I could absolutely focus on the negative things in my past.  My biological dad revealed himself to be abusive and addicted to drugs after he married my mom.  He was later in a fire, and sustained some serious brain damage as part of it (he is in a group program now).  I had cancer twice (once as a child, and once at age 22), and eating issues after each bout (not the greatest combination with radiation).  My mother and I are estranged.  I had severe fertility issues, which led to us needing IVF to conceive... at which time the unthinkable happened, and I lost my precious baby girl.  I could let these things and others define me, and could wallow in them.

However, I know that there are many, many others who have had much harder lives than I have.  God gave me an amazing husband who loves me.  I have a wonderful home, and am always safe and fed.  My stepfather is one of the most supportive people on Earth.  I have a job at which I am very good, I have friends who mean the world to me.  I have the most amazing, beautiful daughter on Earth sleeping in my arms, and another waiting for me in Heaven.  I have love and hope.  Not too shabby, hunh? 

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today, this happened:

A beautiful little Alice embryo was implanted!  She burrowed in nice and tight, and changed our lives for forever.

Happy thaw-and-transfer day, Allie Kat!

Ew

My company VP just walked in on me pumping. Awesome.

That is all.

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You know that kid with the drool? That is my daughter. She loves blowing raspberries - see shirt above.

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Alice was lying in my arms just now sleeping. As I watched her beautiful face, I began to cry harder and harder. I am so overwhelmed by my love for her, and so deeply missing Maddie. I have been blessed beyond measure with both of my girls - but the injustice of losing Maddie hit me fresh. I asked myself "why" with the same vehemence that I did in the early days - it isn't fair to JTD or I, certainly, but it isn't fair to her. She deserved to laugh, to cry, to love.

I miss you, Maddie. I hope you can feel how very loved you are always. I am so, so sorry.

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Almost 3 months old

Our little Alice Katherine (also known as "Allie Kat") turns 3 months old this coming Wednesday!  My friend who runs Photography 139 took her photos today, and they're amazing.  I don't have any ability or talent to retouch them, but here's a couple of the raw photos:

And here's a video of Alice snoring from last night:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I am just remembering my beautiful little Madeleine today, as well as my wee one from so long ago.  Also remembering the beautiful little babies of all of the beautiful women I've met online.  Love to all.

Parenting Style

Cheryl posted today about her parenting philosophy, and I really liked the idea.  Hence, I'm stealing it (sorry, Cheryl!).

I am a huge fan of Attachment Parenting, because it is just a natural extension of how I parent already.  All of it makes sense to me.  However, I don't just do something "because Dr. Sears said so." 

I breastfeed, but I breastfeed how I can due to anatomy (mine and hers).  I nurse Alice for as long as I can, then pump while JTD gives her whatever I pumped at the last feeding.  There's a necessity every once in a while to supplement with formula, but that equates to maybe 4 oz. of formula per week.  Maybe.

We co-sleep, and I'm proud of it.  First of all, if you do it safely, it reduces the risk of SIDS (link).  Secondly, it has totally changed the way Alice sleeps.  She was getting up every 45 minutes or so for the first 5 weeks of her life.  I started co-sleeping with her, and she can now go 4 - 7 hours at a time.  She's amazing, and I love the closeness, since I don't get to be at home with her during the day.

I unfortunately have to work, even though I wish I could stay at home.  We only have to take her to 12 hours of daycare each week - I work 7 - 4 on Monday - Friday, and JTD works 2 p.m. - 10 p.m. Monday - Thursday, has Friday off, and works Saturday morning.  We don't get to see each other much, but it is best for her.  We rarely go anywhere without her, so that means our social lives have changed greatly.
 
I respect others' choice to do so, but I refuse to let A "cry it out" in any form.  I can't imagine being able to do so - my heart aches and I start crying, too, when I can't help her to stop crying.  I want her every moment to be joyful, and want her to trust me.  We do everything on-demand, and just let her tell us her needs.

We are vaccinating on schedule, and we also use disposable diapers. I wish we had the time or stomach to use cloth, but we don't.



We baby-wear when possible.  I had a Hotsling, but it never really worked that well for us.  I got a Beco Butterfly (much like an Ergo, but even higher rated) - I love it, and so does she.

Love

I love when Alice smiles at me with complete, reckless, gummy abandon.

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Pityriasis Rosea

So, I have a fairly long history of having weird, often rare medical stuff happen to me.

I was only the 16th child ever to have my type of cancer - not very many adults get it, but it's incredibly rare in children.

Very few people do IVF, but less than 1% of those who do get severe OHSS.  I got it bad enough that I had to be drained, and our fresh transfer had to be postponed.  Less than 1% of the population has cervical incompetence, and even fewer of those lose their babies.

I have an allergy to morphine, and have a really rare reaction where I get little red pinprick dots all over my body.

Due to my fairly weird history, I didn't think a whole lot when I developed a couple of red spots on my stomach and chest last week.  Fast forward a few days, and my torso looks like this (don't mock, I just had a baby - I'm not going to look great):

The chest is even worse, and it was now spreading to my back.  The odd thing was that it didn't really itch besides when I got out of the shower.  Since it was getting progressively worse, however, I decided to finally cowboy up and go to the doctor.

I have a condition called pityriasis rosea.  The good news is that it's not contagious (which is good, since Alice and JTD haven't caught it), and that I don't need any medicine to treat it (which is great, since I don't want to pump-and-dump anything).  The bad news about it working itself out of my system on its own is that it hangs around for 6 - 8 weeks.  So, I'm going to look like a leper for about another two months.  I guess that kills wearing a strapless dress to the ball we're planning to attend in November...