JTD and I went to a wedding this weekend - there were a lot of great friends there, but a lot of people who we hadn't seen or talked to in many years. Hence, there were a few people who recently had children, but didn't know about Maddie. Hence, there was a lot of forcing a smile as I was subjected to pictures and stories about their children, maternity leave, and so on.
I think it just really struck me how unfair this all is. I want to share Maddie with them - not because I want to bring this up or garner any pity, but because I want her story to be told. I want people to know how special she is, to remember her, to hug their own children tighter. That isn't something I can do, though - I'm not going to force our tragedy upon others, even if it's out of the most sincere wish to honor her. It's just not fair that I can't talk about her. I should be 34 weeks pregnant with the most beautiful baby ever, not getting ready to celebrate her 3-month birthday in Heaven on Wednesday. I am not pitying myself - it just feels like she doesn't get to be celebrated in the way she should, and that hurts. Most people don't really ask about her or me anymore, and it's really not their place to do so - but I just want her to be remembered. She deserves it.
Monday, October 05, 2009
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10 comments:
I'm sorry that what should have been a fun and enjoyable time for you was filled with such pain.
You do deserve to talk about your daughter. And she does deserve to be honored and remembered. I think most people assume that you don't want to talk about what happened - or are so caught up in their own world that they forget the tragedy that touched yours. If you feel comfortable talking about her then talk about her. Don't hold back your own feelings just because you are worried about someone else. I don't mean to be pushy about it - but if you want to mention your daughter, then you have every right to.
I hope you can find some peace!
Thank you so very much, Donna - and you're right, I think people are likely trying to protect me as much as anything. I like the way you think. :)
You have every right to talk about Maddie as she should be honored and remembered. She is a part of your family whether she is physically with you or not and should be treated as such. If someone asks me if we have children I tell them about Jonathan's story and if someone asks you about your children you should share Maddie's story. She is just as beautiful as any full term baby and deserves to be treated as such. *hugs*
I think you definitely deserve to be able to talk about Maddie. She is a big part of your life. I agree with the above comments - people are probably trying to protect you and make things easier on you. If people act like they don't want to hear about her, then they don't deserve you or her.
I understand what you mean about what should be. My ovulation-based due date was tomorrow, and my LMP due date is on Thursday (this is the DD the doctors used). In some ways I don't feel very attached to those dates because as soon as we discovered the lack of fluid, my due date really became August 27. But it still makes me sad because if there hadn't been any complications, this is when I was supposed to be having my baby. So none the less, this has been a rough week. Especially combined with this knowledge that we may never have another biological child. Yep, it's been a really rough week. Sorry, I didn't mean to unload on your blog!
Anyway, I think if you want to talk about Maddie, you have every right to do so. And she will not be forgotten - I am sure no one has forgotten her. They probably are just waiting for you to bring her up because they don't want to hurt your or make you cry.
Jess - thank you. :)
Heather - You're not unloading at all. What a rough week - I know what you mean, it's the things you know "should" be that make it so hard. The things you want it to be. I'm thinking of you as Thursday comes.
We remember her with you. Always.
Oh, your words strike a chord so deep in me that I want to comment but often cannot find my own words to say. Additionally, the last few days have been rough (jet lag, another move without Sarah, trying to figure things out here, etc.) and the energy just isn't there. All that's to say I'm still here and you're always in my thoughts.
Rachel
Michele and Rachel - you're both such blessings. I'm just so sorry that any of us have to do this (and that there are other stressors, like what you're both dealing with). You are both so kind to be here.
I stumbled across your blog during a search for something unrelated and this post stuck with me.
What you are feeling is so totally normal. My son passed away at 10 weeks old. My water at broke at 23w5d, I spent 10 weeks hospital bed rest and he passed away from SIDS 2 years ago tomorrow.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to talk about him. I dread the question "is she your only one?" when looking at my older daughter. I hesitate when answering "how many kids do you have?" because there isn't a right answer anymore.
My daughter is nearly 5 now and still talks about him when she can. She tells people about how she had a brother and she loved him so much but when he was a baby he had to go to Heaven.
It hurts, but time begins to dull it. You realize that you aren't the same person in the "before" time and you accept it and your new life.
Wishing you the best of luck in TTC land. We started ttc again this year and had 2 m/c, hoping this cycle is more successful. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
Denise, thank you so very much. I am so sorry for your loss - and the fact that you have to answer those questions. There's no answer to them that makes us feel good, you know? There's no way to come out of that discussion happy.
I pray that your journey TTC is filled with blessings and good things, too.
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