20 weeks and 6 days - Sick

Both my wonderful husband and I came down with a stomach flu on Friday, and proceeded to spend three days of our four-day weekend with a fever, throwing up, and everything else. Hope everyone else had a good holiday – now I’m just back to regular morning sickness, which is a place I’ll happily reside.

20 weeks and 2 days - Thankful

This has been a horrible, horrible year in so many ways - but focusing on that does nothing good for me.  I have so many reasons to be grateful.

I am so intensely grateful for my wonderful, amazing husband.  He is always supportive and sweet, even when it seemed like I wasn't going to be able to even function.  He's kind and smart, funny and wonderful.

I am grateful for a stable job that allows me to use my skills.

I am grateful for friends and family.  So many have provided support at different times, given generously of their hearts.

I am grateful for a God who has carried me through a horrible time, given me a focus and hope.

I am grateful for the wonderful women who come here and listen to me ramble, who share their own stories.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift of this pregnancy.  I worry every day that something bad is going to happen, but am just so lucky for every day I have with this baby.

I am grateful for my Maddie.  She was given to me on God's schedule, even though it wasn't mine.  I am so blessed that she was given to me, and she gives me hope everyday.  I want to live my life in a better way so that I might see her again someday.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

20 weeks and 1 day - What to Choose?

I will be 6 weeks on Saturday (or Sunday, depending on how I measure). I’ll have two ultrasounds next week – one with my OB on Wednesday morning, one with my RE on Thursday afternoon. Praying and hoping that all goes well, we should see the heartbeat both times, and I’ll discuss plans for my 14-week cerclage with my OB. Unfortunately, I don’t know what kind I want yet.


I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to over-research things during this pregnancy, but I’ve broken that rule about cerclages – and, unfortunately, haven’t been able to find a clear-cut answer on which type is best for treating incompetent cervix. I’ve looked at tons of studies, and there isn’t a clear statistical difference between using Shirodkar and McDonald, at least not in any studies I can find. All I find is anecdotal evidence and preferences.

Here are my choices. I absolutely LOVE my OB, and trust him with the world – he’s wonderful. He only does McDonald cerclages, and we live in a relatively low-population area, so I’m not sure how many he does. There are two high-risk OB’s about 60 miles away – one does Shirodkar, one does McDonald. I’m not sure if I should go with my local OB and get the McDonald, or if I should go to one of the doctors who does them more frequently. If I do, I don’t know which style to get, as there are different risks to each. I’m just torn. I’m thinking about just asking my OB if he would prefer to do it, or would prefer referring me out, but I don’t know. Does anyone have any experience with the different types of cerclage?

20 weeks - Tiptoes

Today’s already started as one of those days. The worry days. I keep thinking of Maddie, of what happened to her – and this new baby, and how worried I am of losing him or her. We have a death certificate for our firstborn child – it’s just impossible that I would feel secure about this pregnancy. Every time I walk, I worry that I’m straining something. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m worried that I’m going to find that something has gone terribly wrong. Every cramp I get, I worry that it’s a bad sign, rather than just assuming it’s the normal pains of a growing uterus.


I don’t want this baby’s time in my womb to be spent with me on tiptoes the whole time, but I find that I can’t really help it. I’ve just been trying to spend every day thanking God for giving me one more day with the baby, hoping that he or she can feel how much I love him/her, just as I pray that Maddie can feel the same thing. I think that’s really all I can do.

Happy 20-week birthday, Maddie.

19 weeks and 6 days - Stages of Grief

Sometimes it strikes me how different people are. I read a lot of blogs about baby loss and infertility, and there are a few that are notable to me in their (righteous) anger and pessimism. I absolutely want to say from the outset that I am not at all saying that anyone is better or worse, right or wrong – we all just deal with things differently, and these blogs are our outlet for that.


The reason that I mention this is because, the more I think about it, “anger” really wasn’t one of the five stages of grief that I went through. There were a few things that made me frustrated – I’ve had to deal with and reconcile the fact that work circumstances could have made/helped this happen when it did (this has been weird, since I love my job and don't want to be angry). I’ve been frustrated that women aren’t checked more often for cervical issues because of the insurance companies until it’s too late. Mostly, I’ve felt guilty and sad that my body ultimately failed Maddie. I think that incredible sadness has been my overriding feeling, although I definitely went through bargaining, questioning, denial. I’ve just felt like anger takes up a lot of energy that I don’t have to spend. Now, as I begin this huge rollercoaster of a second pregnancy, I conserve my energy even more.

How about everyone else? Were there any of the stages of grief that you missed or skipped?

19 weeks and 3 days - Worry, worry, worry

I'll be five weeks pregnant tomorrow.  I'm only a week and a half out from getting to hopefully hear my baby's heartbeat, and I should get to hear it twice in one week.  My OB wants to see me at 6 weeks to do an ultrasound and make plans for the cerclage, so we'll see him on 12/2.  I then go back to my RE for the 6 week ultrasound the next day on 12/3.

I hate these stretches between appointments, because all I do is worry that something is going to happen.  I worried about it when I was pregnant with Maddie, and I know now what can happen.  At the same time, I realize that there really isn't anything I can do to control this - I couldn't be much more high-risk if I started juggling fire for a living, so there really isn't anything tangible I can do to make this much better.  I wanted to micromanage and over-research everything when I was pregnant with Maddie; now I realize that it doesn't make much difference.  This is in God's hands now.  Just hoping that it's His will for us to have a healthy baby come next July.

19 weeks and 2 days - All Mixed Up

Got the results back from beta #2. Ideally, they look for your numbers to double over the course of two days. Mine almost tripled – went from 1079 to 3007! Maddie’s numbers were incredibly similar, but were a day later – hopefully this little one has fingernails A friend sent me a study that shows that really high hCG levels coincide with better rates of pregnancy at 20 weeks, so hopefully this is a good sign for us – right now we’re just focusing on (and praying about) making it to the cerclage at 14 weeks!


I know my hormones are pretty ramped up right now, but this all has made everything with Maddie seem a little bit fresher again. I think it’s just doing all of the same things, and everything being so very similar that is making it come back up so much more even than it was for a while. I want so badly to have a healthy, happy baby – but I miss the one that we have so much. I am so glad for her that she’s happy, and that’s all I can want – it’s just hard.

19 weeks - Still Cautiously Optimistic

Well, I have been debating on whether or not to post the results on here, but hopefully everyone in “real life” understands how big of a deal privacy is for me with this.


Just got back the results from my beta – hCG was 1079 at 18dpo! The doctor said, “If I hadn’t put the single embryo in there myself, I’d think there were possible two!” So, my numbers are really good, and we’ll be going back on Thursday morning to make sure that they double. I’m currently 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Estimated due date is July 25, 2010 – about 18 days after Maddie’s birthday. We pray to have her fraternal genetic twin born one year later in the same month. :)

We are, however, remaining incredibly cautiously optimistic. There’s still so much that can go wrong. We’re praying for our little miracle, though. Thank you so much everyone for all of the wonderful support!  I'm off to take another Tums.

18 weeks and 6 days - Disappointing

Today’s blog post likely won’t have much of interest for most people, but it’s something that I need to say. Warning – it’s long and vaguely preachy!  Hopefully I only need to say this once.


We have purposely kept this whole embryo transfer process incredibly private this time. The reason for this is fairly obvious – there is so much at stake, so many concerns, so many emotions involved that I can’t even begin to describe. Only a short 19 weeks ago today, I was in labor for over 13 hours with my daughter, who I knew the whole time would never make it. There is so much riding on this, no matter what the outcome is. As such, we haven’t told much of anyone – we haven’t told either of our parents or siblings (despite direct questioning), we haven’t shared it with almost anyone, and weren’t planning on it until three months into any pregnancy. I am incredibly close to some of my coworkers, and have kept it quiet there in particular (only having told a couple of people). I have had a few people ask me, however, having “guessed” at it since I was gone two days in a row from work on Nov. 5th and 6th (I think it’s safe to assume that they read this blog, and didn’t guess). Three of the people who've asked are people I wanted to tell but couldn't – a man who is a regular reader and has been a great source of inspiration and support through his own grief, and two women who are very dear friends. These people’s support means so much. There have been a couple others, however, who have “guessed” that aren’t so welcome – most notably, a woman who may truly care, but who has specifically tried to do me harm in the past, who has invaded my privacy to try and hurt me (and improve her own popularity). Either she read this blog, or (more likely) was told by someone.

This disappoints me greatly that the source of immense grief in my life is now fodder for the work gossip mill. I specifically didn’t tell people because I don’t want this getting around – almost everyone knew with Maddie from the moment she was transferred, and I am not emotionally capable of answering all of these questions. I may act at work like I’m “fine” – but it’s because I’ve discovered that it really doesn’t do any good to mourn publicly. There are huge emotions associated with the outcome of this FET either way, and I don’t really want this talked about until I’m ready. There is not a single person I know in “real life” who has even undergone IVF, let alone had to do it a second time after their child was stillborn - this is an incredibly lonely process. I know that the people I mentioned specifically above (and a few others I haven’t mentioned) read my blog out of true concern and love, but this… this is icky.

I started this blog as a safe place, a place where I could come to and share my feelings with other women who can understand this horrible situation of loss and infertility, or with those in “real” life who truly care. It pains me that I have had to lie on this blog – I have said that I’m not taking home tests because I don’t want to face questions. That is a flat-out lie – I have taken three tests since last Thursday, all with the same result. I know what my beta tomorrow will bring, but I just don’t want the results of it being broadcast until I am ready to deal with it all. At this point, I question whether I should even blog anymore - it saddens me that I would lose one of the few outlets I have because of people who just want something to talk about.  So, I guess what it boils down to is this –if you’re here because you care, thank you (and please keep things confidential). If you’re here to gather gossip, please leave. I don’t invade your private life, and ask that you don’t mine. Thank you.

18 weeks and 4 days - Our Due

Today was Maddie's due date.  All of it made me start thinking about the nature of grief, of life.

It's natural for us all to feel on some level that what we are experiencing is the worst thing ever, that our loss is greater than anyone else's.  There have been many times when I've asked God why it had to be Maddie - our little girl was wanted for so very long.  We tried for her for almost four years, we spent tens of thousands of dollars, went through pain and tests and drugs - and we had so much happiness when we saw her growing inside of me finally.  Our turn had finally come.  Then, in the early days after she passed away, when the grief was physically palpable in my chest, I felt like our grief was more immense because of our struggles.  That, however, is ridiculous - there's no comparing grief.  Someone who had been trying even longer or was further along in their pregnancy - were their babies loved more than Maddie?  Impossible.  It's logical, then, that the same is true for those who hadn't maybe been through the same struggles we had.  In the end, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I love my little girl with the entire depth and breadth of my heart.

I am so lucky that we have the chance to have this perfect little being in our lives, in whatever capacity.  Today was never a day that was going to actually mean something tangible if things had gone the way we hoped.  We had been planning a C-section, and she would have been born by now.  I have learned not to give today more weight than it actually has (Maddie's birthday next July will likely be a different story).  What I do want today to be is just a day of remembrance of what Maddie is, not what she "should" be.  My little girl is perfect and happy for forever.  That's all a mother could want.

18 weeks and 3 days - So Precious

Holly from Caring for Carleigh e-mailed me the sweetest picture yesterday.

The biggest thanks to Holly for remembering my sweet girl in such a beautiful, touching way.

Thinking of Maddie tomorrow on her due date. 

18 weeks and 2 days - Another Day

My husband is a very wise man.  He's convinced me not to take any HPT's until our beta on Tuesday.  Probably wise.

Last night was kind of a rough night.  My biological father's mother called - she has breast cancer.  They did a full mastectomy on Thursday, and removed some lymph nodes - 6 of the 9 removed had tumors in them.  She'll be doing chemo and radiation here shortly.

I guess I kind of got all philosophical after the news.  I want to preface by saying that I love my grandmother very much, but she's not a very warm person.  Very country club, not very family-oriented.  As a result, it's kind of pushed all of us away to a certain degree.  When another grandmother of mine passed away about 7 years ago from cancer, the family was so close around her it had to almost feel suffocating.  It's such a contrast to where we all are in relation to this grandmother.  I am going to do everything I can to try and change that, but it's saddening to see the effects that certain decisions have.  I'm sorry - I hope that didn't sound judgmental.

Hoping all are having a good day.

18 weeks and 1 day - No Rest for the Weary

I am pretty sure that I am insane – at least temporarily. Let me explain.


After Maddie passing this summer, my OB put me on Ambien since I can’t sleep (I’m an insomniac naturally, and this all exacerbated it to the point where I can’t sleep at all without it). Both my OB and my RE confirmed for me that Ambien is safe for pregnancy (and to be used indefinitely), so it’s safe to take now during the 2 week wait. Flash forward to when I was at the pharmacy getting my last refill – they explained that they were changing from one generic brand to another, so I would have some of the old look of pills, and some new ones. Well, I opened the vial last night and took my first from this batch – and noticed afterwards that there were indeed two different sets of pills in there, but that none of them looked like my old pills. Two brand new styles I hadn’t seen before.

Now I went into panic mode, as I had already taken one. What if some of the pills were a totally different drug, one that wasn’t safe with pregnancy (assuming I’m pregnant)? And how was I to know which ones were good and which ones were the wrong drug – I’d already taken one, what if I’d taken the wrong one? Should I try and make myself throw up? (By the way – this panic doesn’t really help the sleeping pills work.) I relayed my dilemma to my husband – who told me to just go to sleep and stop obsessing. I ended up praying really hard, calling and leaving the pharmacy a message, and waiting until this morning. The pharmacy called and said that the one I had taken was indeed the new style (whew), and that they were pretty certain the other foreign pills were just from an intermediate batch they’d had between the two. They were fine with me going in and switching those few out so that I’m uniform and safe, however. I’m pretty sure that they just looked at each other like I was crazy when I got done talking to them, but at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Was I nuts? Did I 100% overreact, or just, like, 90%?  :)

18 weeks - "Get Her Pregnant"

My friend Jess blogged yesterday about an insensitive pregnant friend who had whispered about her, "Now we gotta get her pregnant."

The more I thought about this, the more this made me angry.  Angry for Jess, and for anyone who has experienced loss or infertility (or both).  That's so flippant, so presumptive – that sentence sounds like it’s someone’s fault for their baby dying, for not being able to just look at their husband and get pregnant again. When we finally got pregnant with Maddie after about four years of trying everything and anything, spending tens of thousands of dollars and much pain to try and get pregnant, my mom told someone, “She finally listened to me and got pregnant!” Yes, the problem for the entire time was just that I hadn’t followed her advice. (Although, admittedly, after our first fertility consult, I did mess with her – I called her and told her that we’d apparently “been doing it in the wrong hole.” Sorry if that’s crass – but it got her to be quiet for a few days.)


These types of comments are just so much more damaging than people realize. For some, pregnancy takes drugs, ultrasounds, timing, money. For us and countless others, we’ve added in surgery, laboratories, injections, etc. This isn’t just an easy process for everyone. And just because you have a pregnancy doesn’t mean you keep a pregnancy – and so very rarely is it through any fault of our own, especially when we want these babies (our babies) so desperately.

Jess, if you’re reading this, I am just so sorry. I’m also sorry for anyone else who has ever endured these types of comments.

17 weeks and 6 days - Symptoms and Control

There isn’t a whole ton new to update today. I keep not wanting to read things into anything – the sore boobs could just be the progesterone shots and estrogen patches. It’s likely too early to be sore, anyway. I’ve had more dreams the last couple of nights (that was my first symptom with Maddie that I was pregnant – crazy dreams), but they haven’t been insane like the other ones were. It’s still just so early.


I found today that coming to work and getting off of bedrest (which I had extended through Sunday on my own just to be careful) scared me to death. This weekend was hard in regards to thinking about Maddie – thinking about doing this all the first time, how much I miss her, thinking of how uncertain this all is. Coming off of bedrest was terrifying, as I just want to do anything I humanly can to make this work. I used to be a little bit of a control freak (probably an understatement), but after what happened with Maddie, I’d gotten over thinking that I can control anything – but I still have this urge to try. This poor baby – if this works, I hope I’m not crazy-protective (well, at least not more than I was already going to be)!

17 weeks and 4 days - Happy 4 month birthday, Maddie.

I wish you such pure joy and happiness, sweetie.  Thinking of you today and everyday.

17 weeks and 3 days - Emotion-laden

I am just so filled with emotions right now.  I am so grateful for the cheering section across the nation.  I am so happy that yesterday went so well, and so hopeful that it works (and afraid for any outcome).  I'm so sad that we don't have Maddie, and so concerned that she knows this isn't to forget her or "move on" (which is an impossibility).

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, and words.  They mean so much.

(Also a quick edit on the previous post - I am blaming it on the Valium, but I got the date of my beta wrong.  It's 11/17.)

17 weeks and 2 days - Today WAS the day!

Everything went well!  :)  The doctor came in - he confirmed with both embryologists that the single embryo had thawed well, and that it was absolutely beautiful and healthy.  My lining was very thick, the placement was good, and we got an ultrasound pic of our little one (I'll try and scan it when I'm back at work on Monday).  As the nurse said, "If that one doesn't work, nothing will!"  Beta is on 11/12 at 10 a.m. CST.

Now just praying that this little one takes up house and sticks around for another 8.5 months!

17 weeks and 2 days - Today's the Day

I just noticed that today is my 60th blog post.  Not a big deal, not very momentous - except for that hopefully I'm writing it on the day that I conceive my baby.  :)

I'm just trying to be as calm as possible.  On the day that we did the FET with Maddie, I was wired - I fell down a bunch of stairs that morning, had to be almost peeled off of the roof of the car on the drive down.  Now, I'm just trying to emulate this scene in Pulp Fiction (apparently emulating a movie where someone cleans up bits of brain is the way that I want to spend the day of my transfer - that sounds about right):

Jules: We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda what's Fonzie like?
Yolanda: Cool?
Jules: What?
Yolanda: He's cool.
Jules: Correctamundo. And that's what we're gonna be. We're gonna be cool.

Here's hoping that I can be a little Fonzie today.  :)  Thanks for all of the good wishes, everyone!  Here's hoping that Maddie's fraternal twin is burrowed in by this time tomorrow!

17 weeks and 1 day - Whew

24 hours and 20 minutes from now, we're going to be on the table getting the embryo transferred!  I'm excited and nervous, but trying to stay very "zen" about it.  (The Valium that I take an hour before transfer will likely help!)

I'd almost forgotten how much I hate the progesterone shots - they are literally a pain in the butt.  It's kind of funny - IVF'ers are a few of the people who go through this process of conception without getting to do any of the fun stuff that usually comes along with it.  I guess we have the benefit of knowing the exact second that our child is transferred to our bodies, however...  :)

I want to apologize in advance for the fact that I will probably be remiss in reading blogs for the next few days!