I am normally a big sleep-talker, even under normal conditions. However, I have been on Ambien (a sleep medicine) since losing Maddie. My OB said it was 100% safe during pregnancy and breast-feeding, and it’s really the only way that I can get to sleep at all at night. To add to my sleep-talking, it tends to loop me out for just a little while if I’m still awake when it kicks in.
My husband was staying up late the other night, so he came and tucked me in after I’d taken the pill and been in bed for a while. I have absolutely no recollection of the entire conversation, or even of him coming into the bedroom at any point, but apparently I began to tell him my list of what we needed at the grocery store when he went the next day in a very lucid manner. He gently pointed out that it was probably a conversation for the next day – at which point, I apparently burst into tears and told him how worried I am about the baby, about losing the pregnancy, about something happening to him or her, about my body failing the baby again like it failed Maddie.
I wasn’t really surprised when he told me this the next morning, and I don’t think this was exactly a coincidence – I cry with worry every single day that something is going to happen, I pray I don’t know how many times a day that the baby is safe, I have all of these concerns… but I try not to share them with anyone, because how many people in our everyday lives really understand? I know every pregnant mother worries about their baby, but I have held my baby girl and then had to say goodbye. There’s no “chilling out” about a pregnancy after doing that, but that’s what people like to think is helpful advice. I don’t even want to burden my husband with this worry, because it’s just too much. I don’t just worry about losing the baby – I worry about even after if he/she’s born healthy. I worry that I won’t be able to protect the child all of the time, and something will happen (watching a couple of Law & Order: SVU marathons recently admittedly didn’t help this much). I try and just keep the crazy inside, but I’m not surprised that this came out while I was asleep and unable to control it. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Monday, December 28, 2009
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8 comments:
Yes, L&O is not a pregnancy show (that is something I watched ALL THE TIME though... It's addictive...)
Your feelings are so normal. I was a mess. Just remember: you can do this... You can.
I'm glad it's not just me who becomes paranoid after L&O! :)
You're such a great support, Michele! Thank you - and you're right, it's just one foot in front of the other. :)
L&O always freaks me out, but SVU is one my fav shows...
I think the nervousness and worry will always be there no matter what after what we have gone through.
Thinking of you
I'm with you, Ali - I can watch SVU for days!
Thank you so much - it's so good to hear from people that my worry is normal. Thank you so, so much.
I haven't been there just yet, but everything you say is exactly how I imagine I will feel in my pregnancy after loss.
And when I was in the hospital, they were always offering me Ambien, and I know some of the pregnant ladies took it every night. So just thought I'd give you that extra peace of mind that it is absolutely safe. :)
I want some ambien, too! I took it for the first 3 months after the loss. I didn't know you could take it while pregnant. I don't play out my fears in my dreams, instead I just don't sleep.
You know I've been a mess the whole 15 wks. I've called and emailed my doctor at all hours. This is really hard. We are lucky that so many of us are in our sub pregnancies- and many getting cerclages. It's nice to know that we all are feeling overwhelmed, fearful, depressed...
I wish I could tell you it's going to be okay or give some sort of advice as to how to get thru this. Know you can lean on me anytime. I'll email you my # too if you ever want to chat/cry/scream... Whatever. Hang in there. :)
*huge hugs* I don't know those feelings just yet, but I can imagine the worries and the fears that go along with pregnancy after loss.
I am praying for you and jota. :)
Heather - you're such a sweetie! Oh, that helps SO much - I am obsessive about worrying about everything I put into my system!
Bree - I'd definitely recommend talking to your physician about the Ambien! I was a little obsessive about it - my OB okayed it, then I still double-checked with my RE to make sure it was okay. It made me feel better! I feel so blessed to have a group of people who know the exact fears I have!
Jess - you're such a sweetie! That support and those prayers mean so much! (And I LOVE that you're calling the baby Jota!)
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